our very first kiss

You know I've never been able to put into words the feeling that I experienced when we had our first kiss. But I think I may be able to now, to an extent at least. I've been talking to you about my thoughts on dimensionality lately. How it's the reason for our absurd condition as humans, how it's the cause for all existential anguish, and how it can be beaten. You see I think that what I experienced during our first kiss was more than a feeling, both physical and emotional. It was something inexplicable by any means. Because all of our means for explaining are dimensional, and in that moment, we broke free of our dimensionality. Because it was more than just pressing lips together. Because it was more than a chemical reaction in our brains. Because it was more than this earth. It certainly stopped the world, but it did so by breaking free from it entirely.

-Joey Carlson

Going forwards

We could delve into all of the hurt we have caused each other and we could get angry and point fingers and blame but I'm afraid that would only succeed at furthering the pain. Going forward I think that we should take our time and advance with caution and wisdom. I have learned my lessons just as you have learned yours. And I truly do believe that we are both very quick learners. I do not wish to ever hurt you again like this, and so I won't. I will be extremely careful and observant and I will make certain that I stay true to you in ever manner of speaking and I believe that you will do the same. You have seen my most evil parts and my most good parts and you've seen the parts that are beyond those words. And so I am yours to judge not in my worth alone, only I can judge that, but in my worth for you. It is up to you to decide now whether or not this is what you want. Because we both know what this is. This is real, and raw, and important, and dangerous, but oh so wonderful. It can be wonderful anyways, so long as we proceed with caution like we have planned to. I have made my choice abundantly clear. I choose you. You, Zoë Hughes. The only girl I can see. You are so beautiful, and so kind at your core, and you have so much love inside of you. And you have a dark side as well, but compared to the goodness in you, the bad seems to disappear. I do truly think you're perfect Zoë. I know that you can't see it, but I do. I look at all of you and it's perfect. That's one of the only words I can think of to describe it. I know that you will make the right choice for you, and that is all I want. Because you absolutely deserve what's best for you. And I want you to want that more than anything else. And of course I'll wait for you to decide and hope that it is me. I love you endlessly. Truly endlessly. It breaks free of all there is and achieves whatever the word "everything" attempts to describe. I will always regret all of the times I have hurt you so goddam much. If you let me, I will show you that I am better than all of that. So much better. I am the best me when I'm with you and we're happy. And I want to continue to be that for as much of the rest of my life as possible. I hope that you choose me, I hope to god I'm what you want. But I want you to choose what you want no matter what. And just so you know, no matter what, it will be okay. 

So you finally added me to the blog

I miss posting like this quite a bit. So I've decided to start doing it if that's okay. Posts on this have really always meant so so so much to me. I don't know why, I guess it just makes me feels special and meaningful. I finally added my email to be able to edit the blog so that I could stop logging into your account to do it. Even though now when this blog becomes famous because of how adorable we are it will look like you posted the first 30 posts.

Zoë I am literally always thinking about you. As cliché as it sounds, you're the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. Really always. And quite often I dream about you. Whenever I remember my dreams anyways, you're in them. Sometimes I just sit and remember specific moments and I close my eyes and immerse myself in them. Like how I used to stay up with you in your bed until you fell asleep, and then I would tuck you in and kiss you goodnight and I would be leaving your room and you would softly tell me you love me, and I would say it back and say I'll see you tomorrow. Then I would head home and I would always have such a stupid smile on my face the whole way.

I'll be honest with you, I have asked myself the question of whether or not this is what I want, and I have questioned whether or not something could make me happier. And I've always come to the same answer: it's you and it always will be. There is no one I'd rather be with, and no one that could make me happier. There's no other relationship that could be more meaningful.

Listen I know things are hard right now for us. But it is going to be okay. I just know it. Please don't give up on us Zoë. I really do think that it's worth it. For both of us. I can't imagine that it's easy to love me. In fact I know it's not. But I know that it's not because it's hard to have the raw feelings, it's just about the conditions. But we can change the conditions Zoë, we can be better for each other and thus so much better for ourselves. And we can be better for ourselves and thus better for each other.

I love you with everything I've got. Really and truly. And I will never stop loving you.

-Joey Carlson