Soon but not soon enough but very soon but never soon enough

Hey there Zoë. I know there's only a week left until I see you but it's much too long. I can't help thinking about all of the little things that I'm going to be able to do which I have missed unimaginably. Like texting you that I'm on my way over, or eating rice pilaf that we cook (but mostly you). I'm bursting with excitement. I know I haven't shown it much lately but I really truly am. I need to get home to you so badly. And I will so soon. And we can be together. We can make it work next semester and that's all I goddam want. I need you so much. I can't imagine my life without you. I hope you know that I appreciate everything about you so goddam much Zoë. I can't wait to just be with you. That's all I want and all I need. I'll see you real soon love. So soon. 

The very last day of November

Lately, the last days of months have snuck up on me in the most unpleasant of ways. Weeks and days passing so fast, filled with such unsavory memories, waking up on the first of the month sore with quiet regrets. Today is the last day of the month. You are still gone, and every day it seems like things are so different with us. I am so worried about how invested I am with you, you're all I think about.


I think that you know what you need to do to be happy and I hope that you make the right decision for you. I will hate to say goodbye to you again.


All I can hope is we will see each other again and everything will be okay.

When you were put on this planet to love Zoë Hughes

So it's time to make a choice. It's a big one too. Really big. I've thought a lot about it and it just keeps getting more and more complicated. So I suppose I should just make it plain and simple and decide. And so I'm gonna think of one single moment: the first morning where I woke up next to you in my bed. In that moment I was simply happy. I was totally and absolutely content. It's that simple. That's what we could be. Deciding to stay would put a lot of pressure on us Zoë there's no denying that. But just remember that the most important thing is you. What we have is important, and I'm important, but the most important is you. And I choose you, over and over again. It's you. 

Two Boulders

Zoë, we are both hurting so much. All we can do is remind each other that it will be okay but it seems as though that's all we can do. It seems that way, but it's not so. Last night I wrote out a story that provided context for a thought experiment. I didn't know the answer until today. Now I know my answer. So please let me share with you this story. I'm not sure if I'm making sense the whole time but I hope I am and if you have a question about any part please ask. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble explaining what's going on in my head. Well so does everyone, but that's besides the point. This is really quite a rough draft. Just me getting the thoughts out of my head, but here it is:

Two Boulders

       Suppose that you are born into a world where there only exists one single town. In the centre of this town is a pile of boulders that have been collected since the beginning of time. You are told that at a crucial moment in your life you will be sent out on a quest to bring back one boulder for the town's collection. This collection of boulders is what gives the town its meaning and its purpose in a sense. You're entire life has been leading up to this one quest, whether you've known so or not. The bigger the boulder the better. However, you are warned that there is one boulder that many humans have attempted to bring back but to no avail. It is far too large for any human body to lift, and as part of the tradition you are to refrain from using any sort of contraption to lift the boulder. Some humans have brought back very large boulders claiming that it was the one of the legends, but they suffer from delusions of grandeur. 

       The day has come for you to go and along with you come three other townspeople to complete their quest as well. One, an aesthete, the most popular kid in town and very successful. They own the biggest house and the nicest things. The second, an ethicist who hides away in their home thinking day and night. They have devoted their life to answering all of the questions of the world and they are set on bringing home the boulder from the legends. The third, a religious. They are one of the leaders of your town's church and they have devoted their life to prayer and to God.

       You journey for several days and have noticed that the aesthete grows more and more impatient. Finally you come across the first boulder you've seen. It's rather bland looking although it is sizable. The aesthete is overcome with excitement and immediately snatches it up gleefully and runs back to the town leaving you to the rest of the journey. 

       As you continue, you seem to notice that the ethicist is beginning to despair more and more, talking of how no one boulder is enough and even questioning the very existence of the boulders. They even go so far as to question the meaning of the very quest itself. However, in an insignificant moment, the ethicist shouts "Eurika!" They goes on to explain that the boulders as they are only exist within our minds and therefore one can lift the boulder from the legend as it is in our minds. They proceed to run home excitedly, empty handed, with delusions of grandeur. 

       You and the religious continue along your journey, set on finding the boulder from the legends. You finally come to a clearing where there lies three boulders. Two average sized boulders which lay directly in front of the boulder from the legend. It is larger than anything you have imagined in your entire life. You sit down and stare for hours as a pit of despair begins to grow and grow inside of you. You have never felt more insignificant in your life. For not even all humans combined would have the strength to lift such a thing. A few more moments pass and then the religious speaks to you. They say "Do not despair. I have prayed and received a message from God that the strength to lift is unavailable to the mortal human, however we will find the strength in the next life when we are one with God." The religious then picks up one of the other boulders and heads home with a small boulder but a full heart.

       And so you are left there to sit in front of two boulders. The smaller of the two seems so insignificant next to the giant. Then again, so do you. The giant boulder is impossible to lift, let alone carry back to the town. This is the condition. What do you do?

So that's it. I'm not sure how much sense it makes at this point. Basically the boulders are metaphors for the great questions of life and bringing it home is your way of answering it. The story questions whether or not one can and/or should be satisfied with bringing home a smaller boulder. All of the three other characters seem to be satisfied in the boulders they brought home but also there is something missing for them. Now that I have some way to visualize this whole idea the answer seems much clearer, although I have always known it. Although the largest boulder (the answer to the largest question of life) seems to be the most important because that is what we have always been told, both directly and indirectly, it is not. The boulder itself existed and then it was given meaning. Existence precedes essence. I came here to find myself. And although I've realized that that is impossible because we're constantly changing, I have found the means to tap into my heart and figure out what is right and true for me. The largest boulder no longer carries the most value for me. What carries the most value for me is who awaits my return back home. You. 

I am unbelievably sorry for all that I have put you through. I can only hope that I have made you happy enough for you to consider it as worth it. If you let me come home to you, I will never leave again. You are everything to me. What we have is more than a relationship. It is more than romance, it is more than friendship, but it is not a dependency. It's a bond. Our bodies and our souls are made from the same star. We're the result of billions and billions of year of creation and recreation. And we're beautiful. I will not let go of you. I am so sorry that I broke your heart. There's nothing I can do but say that I am sorry. Breaking your heart breaks mine as well. Like never before. You are the one thing in this world that I truly care about with all of my heart. I'm afraid that I have self destructed in a way. This distance is tearing us apart and thus it is tearing me apart. I'm not dependant on you Zoë, I'm part of you and you're part of me. I will wait forever and I will try my absolute hardest to put your heart back together. Because your heart is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. That's simply true. Your heart is the most beautiful. I love you and I will continue to give you and only you everything that I have. And no matter what you do I will love you. That will never change. While everything else that has ever existed changes one thing will remain unaltered: I, Joey Carlson, love you Zoë Hughes. I'm coming home real soon. We just need to hold on a little longer and then we'll be together again and everything will be okay.

More about snacks

I've explained the peanut butter on a rice cake already, but I want to extend that metaphor just a bit farther (further?). See the thing about peanut butter on rice cakes is it makes it appear to be easier to eat, but we all know that rice cakes are fucking nightmares to eat. Crumbs get everywhere, they snap in half, they don't taste that good (lets be honest here, rice cakes kinda fuckin suck). So this kind of sucks right now and we're stuck in a weird place in our relationship, because being together from across the world is just not working. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I won't finish my rice cake until I'm done eating every single crumb. You are still end game for me Joey, you always will be. I think about you all of the time and I NEED you in my life. I am self destructing here without you. That's a lot of pressure, but it's true. You make me such a better person and the lack of influence from you has indeed caused me to spin completely out of control. This spinning is in no way your fault though, it is mine, for placing so much responsibility on you. Back in January when we started talking again I knew it was going to be the hardest fucking thing I would ever do. I knew that this year would probably be one of the worst years of my life, worse than the two years when we didn't talk, but I didn't think it would be like this. This is so hard. I love you so much. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to be better from now on.

Bring it on

It's easy to have doubt. To feel like you're doing all this work for nothing. To feel powerless and just plain sad. But it's easier to feel hopeful. I just think of literally any given moment of our relationship and I think about how I felt. Every moment was so full of emotion and no matter if the emotions were negative or positive I felt whole. I felt right. You make me feel whole. That's why this is so hard. It's cause I feel like half of me is missing. 

Being even more separated from you would only make that worse. And here's the thing about me going to school with you next year. I'm so much stronger when I'm with you. I'm whole and I'm myself and I can do absolutely anything. I don't necessarily feel that way when we're apart though. Things are more difficult for me. It's harder to find the drive that I know I have in me. I know that I would flourish at SOU just by being nearer to you. Even if we have problems with our relationship. 

There are a lot of way that I've found to deal with all of this. The world I mean. Being with you is one. It's the one I want. It's the only one I want. It's the one I choose. And so I do need you. But there's no pressure there. I can't live the way that I'm currently living without you. I wouldn't be the same me. But some other Joey Carlson would make things work and hopefully find a way to be happy. But it wouldn't be the same happy. It wouldn't be the happiest I could be. Which is who I am with you. I like that. I like who I am with you way more than any other version of me. I've even talked to all the other versions of me and it's pretty unanimous that we all like the version of me best with I'm with you. And that version does need you. 

I wouldn't be going to SOU for you. I wouldn't be going there for us. I'd be going there for me. Going there would be me taking advantage of all that I have. There are hundreds of perfect schools out there. SOU is one of them for me. Not because you go there. Just because of the school itself, meaning the programs, the people, the campus, and the location. I did look into SOU further because of you but I went into my research with a clear head thinking only of the school itself and not of you and I was so surprised by how much I wanted what I found. It's not just what my heart is telling me to do. It's what my gut tells me to do. And it's what my mind tells me to do. It is the right choice, and I am certain of this. That doesn't mean that I won't still keep an open mind though and listen and watch. I always listen. I'll keep paying attention to everything around me and the people I hold dearest. Although I have to make the final decision, I am not the only one with say. And so I'll keep listening. And I won't make any decision until it is unanimous.

It's been 40 days since I last held you in my arms. 40 days have already gone by. I know that this distance is hard. This is so hard. But it's okay because time doesn't really exist anyways. So waiting for you is easy. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten to live while waiting. I love you with all of myself. Zoë you've shown me all of the parts of you that you don't love. And let me tell you that I have loved every part that I've seen. If you give me all of you I will accept it and I will love you and I will not let go. You will never be able to ask too much of me. Sometimes love will conquer all and sometimes love brings nothing but pain. And I say bring both and I will greet them with open arms. This is hard. This is so so incredibly hard. And It's exactly what I want. Because it's you. And it's me. It's us. And we can to anything together. So I say bring it on. 

Some encouraging words along with some scrambled up thoughts

It's been exactly 1 month now. The days are starting to blur together here. Time is speeding up as it has before. That's never happened with you though. I remember an incredibly large amount of specific moments with you. Because they're all so important and significant. And they all last forever. Time stops with you. 

This is also an important day because you start class! That's so exciting. We're both really eager to learn which is great in my opinion. We also learn from each other a lot I think. In these next few days or weeks you're going to be very busy and adjusting and if you need anything at all I'm here. I'm also here if you don't need anything but that's besides the point. I understand that you're super busy right now and that's absolutely okay. I absolutely treasure all that you do for me and it's most certainly enough. I love that you make time to FaceTime me and that you continue to make an effort and it seems like you'll never stop making an effort which is so meaningful to me. I also love that you've been saying my name to me a lot. It makes me happy. And I do like your new friends! They all seem like great people and that's wonderful that you've found that! I love you with all of my heart. I'm so proud of what you've done and I'm so excited to see what you do.

I've gotta say Zoë, what we have is absolutely the most important thing that has ever been. And I will fight with my all to make sure that we're together forever. Because that is what is supposed to be. And so that's what will be okay. I love you and I give you absolutely all of me. I don't expect anything in return, but I know it is returned. I know that you give me all of you. And I will take it all. You're safe and it's okay. I want it all. Thank you so much for all that you have given me. I will continue to give you all of me and you can continue to give me all of you if you wish to. You never have to worry about being overbearing or a burden or anything even remotely close to that because you have never, not once, even come close. You're the most important thing in the entire world. 

Hello Zoë!!!

You leave soon! That's so exciting! I'm very excited for you. You're gonna do great things. I'm honestly so proud to call you my girlfriend. You truly are an incredible human. You're so kind and caring and so creative. All you want to do is help others and create things. You don't just make my world a much better place, although you very much do, you make the entire world a better place. And you will continue to do so. I'm so excited for you to start this adventure. You're going to have an absolute wonderful adventure and although I wish I was there with you for every moment, it will be okay because we'll have a lifetime to share the memories with each other as well as creating so many more. I'm also always here even right now if I'm far away. I will always listen to anything you have to say, even if you don't need someone. I'm here. 

I don't know if your scared or not. I was pretty scared about leaving. But it's not like you're not leaving everything behind. Not even close. Not much lasts forever but there are some things that do: you and me for example. And I know that you love your friends a whole lot and I don't think that that love is going anywhere. Your surroundings may change with them but the connections that you have will not. And I will always be here no matter what. Not just when you need me either. I’ll be here when you don’t need me and just want me. I’ll be here waiting for if you do need me. I’ll always be here. So don't be scared. You're going to do great things. Be excited. Get that wild look in your eye and go forward. And I'll be there too. I'll always be there. So don't be scared if you are. Everything will be. And that's okay. 

Hey I know that you were worried about someone getting between us (on either end). I don't know if you're still worried but I'm here and I have a few things to say about it. The temptation doesn't even exist. Or whatever you want to call it. Maybe not temptation. Anyways, it doesn't even exist, it doesn't even come close to existing. There's honest to god no way that someone could get between us. There's nobody out there in the entire world for me except you. You seriously don't ever have to worry about me hooking up with anyone here. That's just not me in so many ways. First and foremost because of you; I would never do that to you and I would never want to because there's no one like you and you're perfect for me and you're the only one for me. Another reason is that I don't usually like hooking up with people at all. You're clearly the exception to that. It just doesn't appeal to me otherwise. 

Listen, I've been meeting a lot of people and always the conversation strays towards you for me. Always. Because you're always on my mind. So that's where I end up going. Not only does the temptation not exist on our end, but once I've told someone about us and about our story it's as if they understand how important it is subconsciously and they lose any interest. At least, that's what I've experienced. Boys are much less empathetic usually. But people just seem to understand in the back of their mind that what we have is the most important thing that there ever was. Because it is.

You’re going to have such an incredible adventure Zoë. You’re going to learn so much and create so much and I am so excited for that. Hahaha I’m excited for it. You should be as well. You are so quick to adapt and you adapt so well. I know that you will thrive during this experience. There’s no need to be scared. People always say that life happens to you and it’s out of your control. But I don’t think that that’s the case here. You are in control Zoë. You. I’m so excited to see what you accomplish with you artwork Zoë. Unbelievably excited. I absolutely love experiencing things that you create. It’s all going to be okay. And we will absolutely be okay. And so I’ll take my leave by reminding you of quite possibly the most important aspect of my existence. I love you Zoë Hughes. I love you I love you I love you. I love you forever. I love you far beyond the stars and near beyond the moon. I love you infinitely. I love you madly. I love you more than anything has ever been loved. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you. And I’m so happy that I do. And I’m so happy that I get to share the love that I have for you with you. And I will continue sharing it with you as much as I possibly can. It's going to be okay :)

Forever

I could lay on your lap and listen to you read aloud forever. 

I could really just listen to you talk forever 

I could kiss you forever too 

I could definitely look at you forever

I could wake up and see you laying next to me forever 

I could stay in bed with you lazily all day forever 

I could hug you forever 

I could sleep with you forever 

I could stare into your eyes forever 

I could stare at you forever 

I could touch your butt forever

I could rub your back forever

I could trace my hands along the curve of your back forever 

I could make love with you forever 

I could have sex with you forever 

I could fuck you forever 

I could really just touch you forever

I could sit there and let you touch me forever 

I could let you call me daddy forever 

I could scream at you after you pour water all over me forever 

I could argue with you forever

I could laugh with you forever

I could smile at you forever 

I could smile with you forever 

I could have an adventure jar with you forever

I could cry with you forever 

I could tell you I'm not mad forever 

I could explain myself and make up for being stupid forever 

I could be smart too forever though 

I could be a damn buffoon in public forever 

I could embarrass you forever 

I could let you embarrass me forever 

I could let you cheer me up forever 

I could be happy with you forever 

I could try to cheer you up forever 

I could drive with you forever 

I could eat your cooking forever 

I could go run errands with you forever 

I could go out to dinner with you forever 

I could go to the movies with you forever 

I could play music for you forever 

I could listen to music with you forever

I could watch you make art forever 

I could look at your art forever 

I could look at art with you forever 

I could dance with you forever 

I could watch you dance forever 

I could be weird with you forever 

I could watch you be weird forever 

I could have you watch me be weird forever

I could go on dates with you forever 

I could hold you forever 

I could let you cry forever

I could comfort you forever 

I could let you comfort me forever 

I could cry in your arms forever 

I could let you stare at me while pretending to not notice it forever

I could stare at you without you noticing (although it might be a similar situation to the one above) forever

I could brush my teeth with you forever 

I could buy you things forever 

I could eat cinnamon rolls with you forever 

I could go camping with you forever 

I could eat avocado with you forever 

I could get you presents for no reason forever

I could receive random gifts from you forever

I could go to Garibaldi Days each year forever

I could watch you in a banana suit forever 

I could watch you dance and show me how your "lip gloss is poppin" as they say forever

I could hammock with you forever

I could watch fireworks forever 

I could lie to people with you forever 

I could walk into a house and see you there waiting for me forever 

I could let you into a house forever 

I could keep that house key of yours forever 

I could compliment you forever 

I could have you ridicule me forever

I could have you compliment me forever 

I could tell you how hot you are forever 

I could have you tell me how hot I am forever 

I could be hot for you forever 

I could have you be hot for me forever 

I could project my insecurities on you forever 

I could switch phone cases with you forever

I could hold hands with you forever 

I could accidentally twin with you forever 

I could watch you unlock a locker forever

I could hang in party city with you forever 

I could hang in office max with you forever 

I could go watch plays with you forever 

I could make fun of people with you forever

I could goof off with you in public forever 

I could DD you forever 

I could help you when you throw up forever 

I could go to the doctors office with you forever

I could watch tv with you forever 

I could go on hikes with you forever 

I could have picnics with you forever

I could go to Hendricks with you forever

I could hide around the corner to scare you forever 

I could protect you from monsters forever 

I could look at the stars with you forever 

I could eat desert with you forever 

I could learn with you forever 

I could learn from you forever 

I could let you teach me things forever 

I could teach you things forever 

I could help you with absolutely anything forever 

I could ask for your help forever 

I could depend on you forever 

I could have you depend on me forever 

I could post on this blog forever

I could stay up with you if you can't sleep forever 

I could ask you to stay up with me forever 

I could tell you to breathe forever

I could count on you telling me to breathe forever 

I could tell you anything forever 

I could tell you everything forever 

I could listen to anything forever 

I could listen to everything forever 

I could tell you I miss you if we're apart no matter how long it's been forever

I could hear you tell me how you miss me when we're apart no matter how long it's been forever 

I could watch jazz with you forever 

I could love dogs with you forever 

I could love cats with you forever 

I could pretend to be a dog for you forever (I'm not actually pretending)

I could smell you forever 

I could post about you on social media forever 

I could see you posting about me on social media forever 

I could get excited by you forever

I could be surprised by you forever 

I could look at flowers with you forever 

I could expand this list with you forever 

I could love you forever. 

I could do of have all of those things forever. In fact, I want to. So I will. 

For you

       I know going away is selfish. I know that starting all of this again last winter was selfish. But also it's not. Because it's all for you. I'm here in France for you. Well, us. I'm here for us. For our future together that I know we can have. I want it so badly. More than anything in the whole world. I know that me leaving doesn't seem like it's for us but I assure you that it is. I know that we can make this work long distance. And it's only for small chunks. I still get to see you. And next year I'll be a hell of a lot closer and it will be easier. I'm here for our future. I know it's hard right now but it will pay off. I keep saying that but it's because it's an important thing for us to keep in mind. I'm here to work hard so we can have a good easy life together without worries. That's all I want. That's all I want in the whole world. I'm not sure if that makes a whole lot of sense, it's sort of a giant leap between points. But there is a plan. We're not leaping into the dark. I mean even if it was a leap into the dark I would take it if it meant that I could have a chance for a life with you. This whole thing seems unfair right now. But it's not actually unfair. Four years apart in exchange for a lifetime of waking up with you seems like the deal of the century to me. I would actually pay anything to wake up next to you for the rest of my life and walk away knowing that I got the better end of the deal. So it will do more than even out. We have the good end of the deal here. And who knows if it will even be four years. It could be shorter. And it's not even four years as a whole. Its split up. But we have a plan. It's not like we're fighting a never ending battle. It's just these four years where were physically apart, but you're still here with me. You're still here to motivate me and comfort me. And I'm still here for you. I'll always be here for you. And you still make everything important. We can do it!! People and do this all the time and if anyone can do this we can. It's us. It's always been us and  it's you and me forever. I just know it. Even when I worry I still know that it's you and me forever. Sometimes it's hard to see how we could know if this is forever, but we always manage to remind each other of how if one of us forgets. And so I'll keep reminding you as much as I can. Through texts, through posts, through letters, through anything that I can. I'll do anything for you. And anything for us. Because those two things right there, those two things are the most important things in the whole wide world. 

Photo album

Hey remember that photo album I put together for you. I made it so that it would be absolutely impossible to forget. I have most of the photos with me here so it's impossible for me too. I look at them quite often actually. It helps a ton. It just reminds me of why it's so worth it to wait. And why it was so so worth it to get back together even though we knew this would happen. I know that this is so incredibly hard and it hurts so much. But you still make me wildly more happy than anything else. And you still make everything just as important. I don't think there's anything on this world that would make you not worth it. Because you're everything. You're absolutely everything. So if you ever need reminding of what we're waiting for, it does the trick. Well it does for me anyways. Another thing about the album; there's a whole lot of empty spaces. They're there for a reason. They're there for us to fill. With all of the moments that we capture in the future. Great moments. So I looked at all of those empty spaces and it made me so happy and so excited. I'm so excited for our future Zoë because I know deep down that it will in fact be our future. And that's all I need. 

Remember when coop left and his relationship ended very sadly because they didn't get to spend their lives together? This isn't like that

  I think we've come to the conclusion that we are nothing like interstellar. I know that I'm gone right now and it sucks but it's not forever. Nothing is forever except for one thing: you and me. It's going to be okay. I know I keep saying this but it's because it's true. I believe it with all of my heart and mind. I believe in us. I really do. Because I saw indisputable evidence in the winter when we started talking again and it was as if a dam broke and all of these pooled up emotions came pouring out and rushed into the sea. Our sea.

          I've actually always felt like we have this sea not between us but connecting us. And it's constantly changing and moving but it's the same sea and it could never dry up. Our love could never dry up. Damming it up made everything seem less important. But now its free to roll and churn peacefully, never ending. And now everything is important. Because of you. 

          Back to interstellar! What a great movie. I'm just gone for a little over 3 more months. Not our lifetime. That's the point. I'm here so that I can spend the rest of my life with you. Relativity is certainly real, but it has no effect on us. We'll be together again real soon. I can't wait. But I of course will. I love you with all of myself. It's going to be okay. 

Not just because you asked

       I posted a lot just now. But not because you asked me to. I've had all of these thoughts and they've been piling up in my mind but I haven't written any of them out. It because I like to either say them to your face or type them out when I'm alone because... Well... Usually I cry. And usually the thoughts that I type out come in flashes of sorts at the most random times and I just hold onto them until I can get alone to work them out and write them down. And I end up crying cause I'm so full of emotion. That's what you do, you fill me with so much love. And so I've found it difficult to write. But what you said to me made me realize that Im being stubborn and pretty stupid and need to adapt and keep writing them out. And I'm sorry that it took what it did to make me realize this. And I'm sorry that I haven't been doing more to make this work. I will do more. I'll do anything to make it work. 
         I've written you a series of short posts that I had previously thought of but hadn't written out. Here they are. 

Peanut butter on a rice cake?

This post is different. Not because of the content, not because of the way that it is written, but because of the mindset in which it is being written in. Lately, I've developed a constant state of dismay. Like the perfect globe I have created around myself is breaking and spilling everywhere. It is, the world I'm living is is being destroyed. It's being completely flipped around and shaken, and I know I keep saying this, but I finally know it's going to be okay.

You're asking yourself how I know. I have an answer. You see, every single person is different which means that every pair of people will have a unique reflationship. Simple. I'm imperfect, my flaws are undeniable and some are even unfixable. You're like that too, but here's the catch. What if you find someone who's imperfections match up with yours, and even them out? Suddenly your rocky surface feels smooth, the uncharted territory surrounding you seems safe and ready to explore. That's you. That's how you have changed me. You haven't fixed me, hell I don't even want to be fixed, but you've filled in the parts of me that needed filling in. I can only hope I've done the same for you. 

So thank you, for helping me realize what I can be and helping me be the person I want to be. Joey I love you, and I love that you make me feel perfect when I'm with you. And I hope with everything I have that I make you feel at least a little perfect too. 

Metro Station Thoughts

          I'm sitting in a metro stop at 1:00 in the morning right about now. Listening to jazz of course. I know that studying abroad is supposed to be a life changing experience and everything, but I don't think it's going to change who I am really. Because personally, there's not a whole lot of external things out there that really directly change me I guess. You did. You still do. In a good way. I'm not saying that I change who I am because of you. I'm saying that what I've experienced with who is a very large part of what defines me. I would say that it's not where I am that matters to me, but who I'm with. Except that's not specific enough. Because it's you and only you. You're all that I want. You're everything. 

          Our relationship has gone so much deeper than I ever though possible. And it's very frightening. It's exciting though as well. But frightening. I have you though. As long as I have you I won't be scared of how deep in we are. And I don't ever intend to let go of you. I will never let go of you. 

          Even though I'm thousands of miles away in this metro stop waiting for it to come, we're together. I will always carry you with me. Everywhere I go. And it gives me energy. It gives me strength. I want to be strong for you. So I will be. 

          I know that you're here with me, but I miss touching you. And talking with you. And kissing you. And just about everything you could imagine that we do. I miss you touching me. I miss us touching. Which has never happened to me before. I've never had such a strong yearning to touch and be touched by another. But something about it between you and me just feels so incredibly right. 

           I know what that something is that makes it feel so right when we touch. You know it too. It's love. I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being and every ounce of my soul. I love you. 

            It's a shame about that word "love". It's so complex that nobody really understands it is what they say about it. So it's lost most of its meaning in translation. And it would feel like a complete understatement when I tell you that I love you except for the fact that I do understand it. It's you. Love is Zoë Mae Hughes.

           My metro is arriving. So I'll leave my stream of thoughts there. That was just a little piece of how and why I know that it will be okay. Meaning how I know that we will be together. 

I'm sorry

I'm not busy how you are, so I have a lot of time to think about things. And a hell of a lot of time to worry about things. I know that you tell me that I won't hold you back, but I'm always going to worry that I will.

Anyway, here's a list of things I miss about us. I'm sorry if I'm smothering you.

1. I'm me with you, and I have been since 8th grade.
2. You've seen me at my worst and you still loved me.
3. When I got sad at night you would tell me everything was okay.
4. We laugh so hard when we are together, even if it's about something really dumb.
5. The movies we watch don't require our full attention, so we can talk through them if we want.
6. Sometimes we just don't stop talking. Even you, who doesn't really talk that much.
7. I love the way that you look at me when you think I won't notice. It makes me feel so special.
8. I miss cooking for you, because you always seemed content to just watch and keep me company.
9. You motivate me. You make me want to do great things.
10. You really make me feel pretty, especially when you can't keep your hands off me.
11. Sex is a big deal to me, but you continue to make me feel so safe that I am so comfortable being intimate with you and I love it.
12. I miss the moment when I saw your prom photo and it had the cutest caption in the world.
13. I miss how my head rests on your chest when I hug you.
14. I really really miss hearing my dogs yelp in excitement and knowing it's you at the door.
15. And listening to you sing along with my stupid pop songs with me in the car.
16. You think I'm smart, even though I'm really not extraordinarily intelligent.
17. You ask me if I've eaten.
18. I miss when you would compliment me but it would come off really awkwardly which made it even more genuine.
19. I miss kissing you, and feeling the stars being created between us.
20. I miss holding hands with you, and I really hate holding hands with most people.
21. I miss that you've never flinched away from me while I touch you.
22. I miss waking up to you and seeing you. I love that you usually wake up before me, and let me keep sleeping.
23. I miss staying in bed with you for wayyy too long because it seemed like nothing else in the world mattered while we stayed there.
24. I kinda miss the way you would sigh with relief when you touched my butt. Even though that doesn't seem like something someone would miss.
25. I miss simply being with you.

Joey I am so so sorry that I am so torn up about you being away. I'm trying really hard to be happy for you, but I feel so lonely without you. I am so unbelievably proud of everything you've accomplished. You deserve to be in Paris, you're unbelievably amazing.

a wall pitted by a single air rifle shot

My favorite piece of art that I've ever seen was at the MoMA in New York City. I had spent nearly half of my day wandering through the whole museum, I love it there. I had seen Van Gogh and Picasso and Monet (!!!), and although I have a soft spot for impressionists, there was another piece that I liked even more. It was a plain room. It contained a few paintings that were basically just colorful squares, and an odd sculpture that looked something like a puddle of crayon wax and pieces of metal. On the far wall in large black letters it read; A wall pitted by a single air rifle shot. So I stood there, and I looked. I searched for that single pit, a small groove that would show where the wall had been hit. After several minutes I stopped obsessing long enough to read the description. Much to my dismay, I read that the script of the piece was a ruse, that there was no air soft rifle hole. There was no pit at all. For a moment, I was furious. Livid even. Why would it say there was a blemish when there wasn't?

I think about this more often than I'd like to admit. I think about what that wall was trying to say to me, what it was trying to say to everyone. I still don't know, but I don't want to know how its supposed to be interpreted. I don't want that because I know what it means to me. I searched for an imperfection on that damn wall when there wasn't one, I stood far away and I stood way too close to that stupid dumb wall, only to find out that there was no flaw in the plaster. I think I do that with a lot of things. I search and I search for flaws because I am lead to believe that they exist, but not everything is flawed.

So when my mind wanders to that wall in the New York City MoMA I smile now, because it reminds me to come back to earth and stop constantly looking for flaws. I love you, and even if you are across the world from me, there's still not pit in the wall from an air soft rifle.

Lawrence Weiner - 1969

Remember when Murph told Coop to stay? Don't.

You're gone, well not really gone, but out of immediate grasp for now. I have been thinking. I've been thinking that distance doesn't really mean anything to me. And I've been thinking about how not being with you is killing me and it hasn't even been twenty four hours, but I've also been thinking about how every moment I spent away from you is making me even more excited to see you again.

I've been googling long distance relationship advice since I woke up this morning at 5am, and I'm happy to report a few very important things. First, internet people are exhausting, their peppy diction and sarcastic approaches to love exhaust me. However, after scanning about a dozen articles I learned that love always seems to win. Sure, we are across the world from each other, but that doesn't make me love you any less. I don't know if anything would ever make me love you less.

I started crying as I was typing that, which is dumb, cause I'm not actually sad. I'm actually really happy. How could I not be? I have you.

I miss you like hell and I'm gonna keep missing you until I see you again, but everything is okay. It's you and me baby. I love you I love you I love you.


~Z

I forgot why I started this post and then I read the title again. Murph told Coop to stay, but I want you to know that I am so proud that you didn't stay. I'm also damn glad you aren't off exploring space, but that's an entirely different conversation. We have so much time together in the future so I think it's really okay that we have this time ~physically~ apart. Also, you're my boyfriend, not my dad..

Here's another post from sf

San Francisco is a great example of why everything exists a little more simply because you exist. You know it's a fantastic city and everything and I love it. And that's true regardless of you. But because of you the city fills me up with this, well desire is the only word I can think of to describe it. And hopefulness. A desire that runs deep through my veins and to my core. A desire that I can't shake. It's what I feel when I think of this city. And that feeling makes San Francisco exist more for me. And it's because of you. 

short

There are moments where it's difficult to distinguish what you are feeling. Sleeping ten feet away from my ex-boyfriend with my current(/ex) boyfriend was not one of those moments. I knew what I was feeling. I was feeling undeniably lucky to be with you, because every second I have with you is amazing. So don't feel anything but happiness about last night, because in the big picture who really matters more than me and you? No one.

How big can you get?

Hey Zoë. I'm really sorry that you're feeling sad. It's okay to be sad sometimes. Hell if I'm being honest I love being sad sometimes. Sometimes it feels good to feel sad. But sometimes it really really doesn't. Although it's true that I don't know what you're feeling right now, or what's going on in your mind, I do know what it's like to be sad. But I'm gonna say a few things even if it's really not the kind of sad that you're feeling. Because I don't like that you're feeling sad really. I'm not sure how, but I care about you so so deeply. And that's never happened with anything else like it has with you. It's just different, and better, and I can't really explain it but I think you know what I'm talking about. I hope you do. Maybe not right now, but I think that you know somewhere.

Anyways, it seems to me that you're going to big with your thoughts. Again, I obviously have no idea what you're going through exactly, but I just want to try to help because I care about you so much. What I mean by that is that you can only get so broad with your thoughts before they become meaningless. Well not meaningless obviously, but inapplicable. For example, the self-interest theory. You know, the one that says every human act is selfish even if you're trying to be selfless. It's all to make yourself feel better and whatnot. Which is true you know? That all makes sense. But also, it defines selfish so broadly that the word sort of loses it's meaning. Not all of it's meaning, but it's meaning that's applicable to the world that we live in. Another example would be the fact that we can't really know anything. That's true and everything, but also it defines knowledge too broadly and sort of sets it in stone rather than letting knowledge be fluid and ever-changing. So the fact that we can't really know anything is absurd if you ask me. Because even though it's true it doesn't apply to the way that we are able to live. And so you can only get so big before you have to go back to the small.

Because there are things that you know. And there are things that I know. And there are things that you simply think as well. Speculations are just as valid as knowledge. Well, valid in a different sense. Valid in their existence. That's what I was trying to do while we were texting and I asked you to list things that you know. I'm not sure I was doing a very good job of it.


Listen, I'm really sorry if this isn't helping at all, and I'm especially sorry if it's hurting in any way. If it is, please just stop reading because I'm really just letting some thoughts flow because I don't know what else to do.

I've been thinking a lot recently about what you said about there not being any hypocrites because everyone is always changing. It's very very true. Sometimes you phrase things so well and it makes me so happy. Everything is always changing which sucks sometimes. You know? But personally I would rather have a world that it constantly progressing and regressing than a world that always stays the same. Even if the same is complete bliss.

I'm sure that people have already thought of everything I've typed. That always happens. But I'm still usually proud of myself when I come to any form of a conclusion, even though it always ends up changing over time. But I'm still proud because I came to the conclusion myself in my own circumstances that no one else has faced. So even though the thought is not entirely original, originality isn't dead by any means.

Man I hate Togo's sandwiches

I often wonder why time moves at the rate that it does. By that I mean to ask why we perceive time at the rate that we do. What made time move the rate that it does? But then once while I was wondering it, I sort of flipped the question around and came to a conclusion that maybe I'm able to ask such a question because time moves at the rate that it doesn relative to us. Meaning that there's no reason for which time moves at the rate it does, but instead the rate at which time moves is why we are able to question things so clearly and develop a consciousness.

One time I asked you what you thought about consciousness and you said "honestly? I think it's a load of crap". I'm still very curious about that.

For a while, the solution to the question of the meaning of life for me was "who gives a fuck??"

One of my favorite books ever is called The Search For Delicious. This guy is sent on a quest around this land to find the one thing that is the most delicious. It ends up being water. Love it.

I've begun to ramble now more than anything else. So, sorry for that. I hope that you feel better soon. And just know that even if it seems like everything is falling apart doesn't mean that it is. And you can only get so big before you have to go back to the small.

And one last thing that I'm not sure if you know. I'm so goddam proud of you Zoë. Life is pretty painful. But you do a wonderful job of turning it into something beautiful. That's something that I aspire to do. You truly are wonderful.

Love, Joey

I know

I love you. And I mean that I really love you. It's the big one. I mean true love! Okay??
I'm sorry if this is pressure... but it's not based off of any ideas I have in my mind. It's based of off what I've experienced.

I love you.
I just know.
I know because I don't get tired of your smile.
I know because every time we kiss I still get that feeling of excitement all throughout my body.
I know because when I hug you I feel okay. Which is a big deal honestly.
I know because your absence is impossible to ignore.
I know because when I drive with you in the car it's goddam hard to keep my eyes on the road.
I know because you can burp louder than me and it pisses me off.
I know because when I wake up next to you there is absolutely no place I'd rather be.
I know because when we wake up it usually takes us a few more hours to get up.
I know because you're the perfect little spoon.
I know because I can say things to you and feel better. Things that if I tell anyone else end up making me feel worse.
I know because I can hold your hair back and watch you throw up for a while and still not have a doubt in my mind about how much I love you.
I know because you make me contemplate the future.
I know because I look at you and I genuinely think that you're the most beautiful girl on the planet.
I know because I feel so incredibly lucky to have you in my life.
I know because I genuinely care about you. I don't care about a whole lot.
I know because you make me remember that I'm not sad. That's not who I am.
I know because of so many reasons.
I know because you give me new reasons all the time.
I know that you're just a girl. But I'm just a guy. And I wanna be just that with you. Because I am in love with you.
And I just know it.

Beard Log: Day 4

Beard Log Day 4. Date 6.15.15. Progress is slow. In fact it seems almost hopeless at this point. I fear that my beard will be a disappointment when you return. Perhaps not though. The pictures do not show the full extent of my beard, so it could still be a surprise. The beard at this point is taking control of my life. It has a complete hold on my emotions and has taken up giving me mood swings as a pastime of late. When will it end. I need it to end. Anyways, it sounds like you had a good day in the city today which makes me tremendously happy. Seriously! I live for your happiness. If I'm being honest, I had a very very terrible day. Some people said some things to me that absolutely sucked. Hard. I'll tell you about it later if you remind me, but I didn't wanna text about them. But you made it better. You always make things better Zoë. I'm gonna say something pretty cheesy here but who really gives a hoot. You make me believe that soul mates exist. Really I used to think it was a dumb concept. But I found you. And you're it. I mean you're the end game. Honest to god I think about you and I'm content. You're what I want out of life. I want to be with you. I didn't even used to think about what I wanted to be when I grow up. But now I know what I want to be. I want to be yours. It's pretty incredible really. I love you Zoë. Miss you badly sugar. But I'll see you real soon.
-Joey

Beard Log: Day 3

Beard Log Day 3. Date 6.14.15. The beard is becoming a burden. It is becoming less soft as well as more hair is arriving. I have arrived at the conclusion that very minimal hair will grow on my cheeks. Thus forming a natural goatee as it were. I have accepted this fate for my beard. The hair on my neck is out of control. I want to shave it all off. But I will persevere in the name of science. And I will persevere for you. I fear that the pictures I have been uploading do not reveal what my beard truly has become. Each day it progresses slowly, but each day adds up. Soon it will become long and obnoxious. Anyways, I hope you had a better day today than you have been having. I miss you a whole lot, and I wish that you were having a better time. Eugene is a hell of a lot worse without you here. I did go shopping though and bought some clothes that are gonna drive you crazy I think (in a good way). I wish that you were having a better trip. Well I wish that you were here... Actually I wish that I was there with you so you could show everything. I swear to god Zoë, you better take me to SF sometime this summer. We'll stop by for a few days on our way to the Grand Canyon, or maybe on the way back. You seem to be worried about the future today. I get that. I get it a lot. I used to worry about the future a whole lot until you told me that everything will be the way it's supposed to be. It resonated I guess. Before, I always thought that nothing is supposed to be like anything. But I've realized that I'm supposed to be with you. I just know it okay?! Trust me. It will be okay. Wow this stopped being about my beard... I'll leave it at that for now I suppose. Love you more than life sweetness. I'll see you soon.
-Joey

Beard Log: Day 2

Beard Log Day 2. Date 6.13.15.  If my calculations are correct, then it has been 5 days since I last shaved. Like before, things are progressing slowly, but progress is evident. The beard still feels very soft of my face and has not become unwieldy in any sense of the term. However, my face is almost beginning to feel larger because of it. It is an experience that is not pleasurable to say the least. In fact it is almost traumatic as it reminds me of what my face once was in terms of largeness: fat. My hypothesis at this moment is that any change in the beard will be very difficult to notice when observed on a day to day basis, but at the end, a change will be easy to see compared to the beginning. Anyways, I'm sorry that your day was difficult again. I'm sure that it must be unimaginably irritating because San Francisco is one of your favorite cities. Hang in there girly. Just try to enjoy what you can and not let other things get to you. I miss you tons. And I know that most people would say that that's a bad sign, but I don't think that it has to be taken that way necessarily. Yeah it's tough and stuff, but it'll all be okay in the end. Because "everything will be the way that it's supposed to be". And Zoë I am supposed to be with you. Love you past infinity. Peace baby girl. See you soon.
-Joey

You.

Sometimes when I'm laying in bed alone, and especially when I'm lying next to you,  I have a thought. I have a lot of thoughts all the time. I'm usually a little stuck in my head if I'm being honest. That's not the point though. The point is I have this reoccurring thought that leaks into my life whenever I have any sort of lapse in my usual stream of consciousness. 

The thought is simple really. It goes something like this:

There are so many millions of things in the world that people strive to have. A nice car, a big house, even a nice latte. It's normal, the list of wants that people have. I just think my list is shorter, because all I want is you.

But then there's this whole other problem. The problem with what you need vs. what you want. Because when I think about what I need the answer is also only you. (And food, water, air, etc..but that's not romantic) 

Anyway, I would have written this in the notebook but I left it at home and figured this would work. 

SF: day 1

San Fransisco makes me think, as many big cities do, in a completely new way. I guess it's because of the exposure to different sorts of people. In a town like Eugene you get trapped in a certain demographic, but in a city you can experience so much more. 

However, the part of this trip that isn't as effervescent, is the people I am sharing it with. The stark differences between my mother, sister, and I are aggravating at best. The world that is so crisp and bright to me seems so muddled and grey to them. And boy are they sensitive, in this way that drives me completely crazy. They can throw around insults all day, but as soon as someone reciprocates they retreat like some sort of injured animal. The worst part about it is that my mom isn't usually like that, but something about my sister makes her naive. I don't think they're ever going to understand how I am, but I think that'll be okay. I'd rather be me than anyone else. 

Beard Log: Day 1

Beard Log. Date 6.12.15. It has been about 4 days since I last shaved. Progress is slow, but considerable. My face is no longer scratchy. It's become a thin soft layer of hair. Visibility is minimal, especially from a distance. However, up close you can easily make out the thin layer of hair. But I fear that the moustache part is becoming perverse, and will only continue to worsen the situation that is arising on my face. Anyways, I miss you a whole lot even though it's day one and all. I know you had a rough day with travel but it will be okay I think. You're in San Fran! That's like your favorite place! Basically, the beard is going slowly but well. Okay, I'll see you soon. Love you to death kiddo
-Joey

soon.