Two Boulders

Zoë, we are both hurting so much. All we can do is remind each other that it will be okay but it seems as though that's all we can do. It seems that way, but it's not so. Last night I wrote out a story that provided context for a thought experiment. I didn't know the answer until today. Now I know my answer. So please let me share with you this story. I'm not sure if I'm making sense the whole time but I hope I am and if you have a question about any part please ask. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble explaining what's going on in my head. Well so does everyone, but that's besides the point. This is really quite a rough draft. Just me getting the thoughts out of my head, but here it is:

Two Boulders

       Suppose that you are born into a world where there only exists one single town. In the centre of this town is a pile of boulders that have been collected since the beginning of time. You are told that at a crucial moment in your life you will be sent out on a quest to bring back one boulder for the town's collection. This collection of boulders is what gives the town its meaning and its purpose in a sense. You're entire life has been leading up to this one quest, whether you've known so or not. The bigger the boulder the better. However, you are warned that there is one boulder that many humans have attempted to bring back but to no avail. It is far too large for any human body to lift, and as part of the tradition you are to refrain from using any sort of contraption to lift the boulder. Some humans have brought back very large boulders claiming that it was the one of the legends, but they suffer from delusions of grandeur. 

       The day has come for you to go and along with you come three other townspeople to complete their quest as well. One, an aesthete, the most popular kid in town and very successful. They own the biggest house and the nicest things. The second, an ethicist who hides away in their home thinking day and night. They have devoted their life to answering all of the questions of the world and they are set on bringing home the boulder from the legends. The third, a religious. They are one of the leaders of your town's church and they have devoted their life to prayer and to God.

       You journey for several days and have noticed that the aesthete grows more and more impatient. Finally you come across the first boulder you've seen. It's rather bland looking although it is sizable. The aesthete is overcome with excitement and immediately snatches it up gleefully and runs back to the town leaving you to the rest of the journey. 

       As you continue, you seem to notice that the ethicist is beginning to despair more and more, talking of how no one boulder is enough and even questioning the very existence of the boulders. They even go so far as to question the meaning of the very quest itself. However, in an insignificant moment, the ethicist shouts "Eurika!" They goes on to explain that the boulders as they are only exist within our minds and therefore one can lift the boulder from the legend as it is in our minds. They proceed to run home excitedly, empty handed, with delusions of grandeur. 

       You and the religious continue along your journey, set on finding the boulder from the legends. You finally come to a clearing where there lies three boulders. Two average sized boulders which lay directly in front of the boulder from the legend. It is larger than anything you have imagined in your entire life. You sit down and stare for hours as a pit of despair begins to grow and grow inside of you. You have never felt more insignificant in your life. For not even all humans combined would have the strength to lift such a thing. A few more moments pass and then the religious speaks to you. They say "Do not despair. I have prayed and received a message from God that the strength to lift is unavailable to the mortal human, however we will find the strength in the next life when we are one with God." The religious then picks up one of the other boulders and heads home with a small boulder but a full heart.

       And so you are left there to sit in front of two boulders. The smaller of the two seems so insignificant next to the giant. Then again, so do you. The giant boulder is impossible to lift, let alone carry back to the town. This is the condition. What do you do?

So that's it. I'm not sure how much sense it makes at this point. Basically the boulders are metaphors for the great questions of life and bringing it home is your way of answering it. The story questions whether or not one can and/or should be satisfied with bringing home a smaller boulder. All of the three other characters seem to be satisfied in the boulders they brought home but also there is something missing for them. Now that I have some way to visualize this whole idea the answer seems much clearer, although I have always known it. Although the largest boulder (the answer to the largest question of life) seems to be the most important because that is what we have always been told, both directly and indirectly, it is not. The boulder itself existed and then it was given meaning. Existence precedes essence. I came here to find myself. And although I've realized that that is impossible because we're constantly changing, I have found the means to tap into my heart and figure out what is right and true for me. The largest boulder no longer carries the most value for me. What carries the most value for me is who awaits my return back home. You. 

I am unbelievably sorry for all that I have put you through. I can only hope that I have made you happy enough for you to consider it as worth it. If you let me come home to you, I will never leave again. You are everything to me. What we have is more than a relationship. It is more than romance, it is more than friendship, but it is not a dependency. It's a bond. Our bodies and our souls are made from the same star. We're the result of billions and billions of year of creation and recreation. And we're beautiful. I will not let go of you. I am so sorry that I broke your heart. There's nothing I can do but say that I am sorry. Breaking your heart breaks mine as well. Like never before. You are the one thing in this world that I truly care about with all of my heart. I'm afraid that I have self destructed in a way. This distance is tearing us apart and thus it is tearing me apart. I'm not dependant on you Zoë, I'm part of you and you're part of me. I will wait forever and I will try my absolute hardest to put your heart back together. Because your heart is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. That's simply true. Your heart is the most beautiful. I love you and I will continue to give you and only you everything that I have. And no matter what you do I will love you. That will never change. While everything else that has ever existed changes one thing will remain unaltered: I, Joey Carlson, love you Zoë Hughes. I'm coming home real soon. We just need to hold on a little longer and then we'll be together again and everything will be okay.