When you were put on this planet to love Zoë Hughes

So it's time to make a choice. It's a big one too. Really big. I've thought a lot about it and it just keeps getting more and more complicated. So I suppose I should just make it plain and simple and decide. And so I'm gonna think of one single moment: the first morning where I woke up next to you in my bed. In that moment I was simply happy. I was totally and absolutely content. It's that simple. That's what we could be. Deciding to stay would put a lot of pressure on us Zoë there's no denying that. But just remember that the most important thing is you. What we have is important, and I'm important, but the most important is you. And I choose you, over and over again. It's you. 

Two Boulders

Zoë, we are both hurting so much. All we can do is remind each other that it will be okay but it seems as though that's all we can do. It seems that way, but it's not so. Last night I wrote out a story that provided context for a thought experiment. I didn't know the answer until today. Now I know my answer. So please let me share with you this story. I'm not sure if I'm making sense the whole time but I hope I am and if you have a question about any part please ask. Sometimes I have a lot of trouble explaining what's going on in my head. Well so does everyone, but that's besides the point. This is really quite a rough draft. Just me getting the thoughts out of my head, but here it is:

Two Boulders

       Suppose that you are born into a world where there only exists one single town. In the centre of this town is a pile of boulders that have been collected since the beginning of time. You are told that at a crucial moment in your life you will be sent out on a quest to bring back one boulder for the town's collection. This collection of boulders is what gives the town its meaning and its purpose in a sense. You're entire life has been leading up to this one quest, whether you've known so or not. The bigger the boulder the better. However, you are warned that there is one boulder that many humans have attempted to bring back but to no avail. It is far too large for any human body to lift, and as part of the tradition you are to refrain from using any sort of contraption to lift the boulder. Some humans have brought back very large boulders claiming that it was the one of the legends, but they suffer from delusions of grandeur. 

       The day has come for you to go and along with you come three other townspeople to complete their quest as well. One, an aesthete, the most popular kid in town and very successful. They own the biggest house and the nicest things. The second, an ethicist who hides away in their home thinking day and night. They have devoted their life to answering all of the questions of the world and they are set on bringing home the boulder from the legends. The third, a religious. They are one of the leaders of your town's church and they have devoted their life to prayer and to God.

       You journey for several days and have noticed that the aesthete grows more and more impatient. Finally you come across the first boulder you've seen. It's rather bland looking although it is sizable. The aesthete is overcome with excitement and immediately snatches it up gleefully and runs back to the town leaving you to the rest of the journey. 

       As you continue, you seem to notice that the ethicist is beginning to despair more and more, talking of how no one boulder is enough and even questioning the very existence of the boulders. They even go so far as to question the meaning of the very quest itself. However, in an insignificant moment, the ethicist shouts "Eurika!" They goes on to explain that the boulders as they are only exist within our minds and therefore one can lift the boulder from the legend as it is in our minds. They proceed to run home excitedly, empty handed, with delusions of grandeur. 

       You and the religious continue along your journey, set on finding the boulder from the legends. You finally come to a clearing where there lies three boulders. Two average sized boulders which lay directly in front of the boulder from the legend. It is larger than anything you have imagined in your entire life. You sit down and stare for hours as a pit of despair begins to grow and grow inside of you. You have never felt more insignificant in your life. For not even all humans combined would have the strength to lift such a thing. A few more moments pass and then the religious speaks to you. They say "Do not despair. I have prayed and received a message from God that the strength to lift is unavailable to the mortal human, however we will find the strength in the next life when we are one with God." The religious then picks up one of the other boulders and heads home with a small boulder but a full heart.

       And so you are left there to sit in front of two boulders. The smaller of the two seems so insignificant next to the giant. Then again, so do you. The giant boulder is impossible to lift, let alone carry back to the town. This is the condition. What do you do?

So that's it. I'm not sure how much sense it makes at this point. Basically the boulders are metaphors for the great questions of life and bringing it home is your way of answering it. The story questions whether or not one can and/or should be satisfied with bringing home a smaller boulder. All of the three other characters seem to be satisfied in the boulders they brought home but also there is something missing for them. Now that I have some way to visualize this whole idea the answer seems much clearer, although I have always known it. Although the largest boulder (the answer to the largest question of life) seems to be the most important because that is what we have always been told, both directly and indirectly, it is not. The boulder itself existed and then it was given meaning. Existence precedes essence. I came here to find myself. And although I've realized that that is impossible because we're constantly changing, I have found the means to tap into my heart and figure out what is right and true for me. The largest boulder no longer carries the most value for me. What carries the most value for me is who awaits my return back home. You. 

I am unbelievably sorry for all that I have put you through. I can only hope that I have made you happy enough for you to consider it as worth it. If you let me come home to you, I will never leave again. You are everything to me. What we have is more than a relationship. It is more than romance, it is more than friendship, but it is not a dependency. It's a bond. Our bodies and our souls are made from the same star. We're the result of billions and billions of year of creation and recreation. And we're beautiful. I will not let go of you. I am so sorry that I broke your heart. There's nothing I can do but say that I am sorry. Breaking your heart breaks mine as well. Like never before. You are the one thing in this world that I truly care about with all of my heart. I'm afraid that I have self destructed in a way. This distance is tearing us apart and thus it is tearing me apart. I'm not dependant on you Zoë, I'm part of you and you're part of me. I will wait forever and I will try my absolute hardest to put your heart back together. Because your heart is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. That's simply true. Your heart is the most beautiful. I love you and I will continue to give you and only you everything that I have. And no matter what you do I will love you. That will never change. While everything else that has ever existed changes one thing will remain unaltered: I, Joey Carlson, love you Zoë Hughes. I'm coming home real soon. We just need to hold on a little longer and then we'll be together again and everything will be okay.

More about snacks

I've explained the peanut butter on a rice cake already, but I want to extend that metaphor just a bit farther (further?). See the thing about peanut butter on rice cakes is it makes it appear to be easier to eat, but we all know that rice cakes are fucking nightmares to eat. Crumbs get everywhere, they snap in half, they don't taste that good (lets be honest here, rice cakes kinda fuckin suck). So this kind of sucks right now and we're stuck in a weird place in our relationship, because being together from across the world is just not working. But that sure as hell doesn't mean I won't finish my rice cake until I'm done eating every single crumb. You are still end game for me Joey, you always will be. I think about you all of the time and I NEED you in my life. I am self destructing here without you. That's a lot of pressure, but it's true. You make me such a better person and the lack of influence from you has indeed caused me to spin completely out of control. This spinning is in no way your fault though, it is mine, for placing so much responsibility on you. Back in January when we started talking again I knew it was going to be the hardest fucking thing I would ever do. I knew that this year would probably be one of the worst years of my life, worse than the two years when we didn't talk, but I didn't think it would be like this. This is so hard. I love you so much. I don't know what to do, but I'm going to be better from now on.

Bring it on

It's easy to have doubt. To feel like you're doing all this work for nothing. To feel powerless and just plain sad. But it's easier to feel hopeful. I just think of literally any given moment of our relationship and I think about how I felt. Every moment was so full of emotion and no matter if the emotions were negative or positive I felt whole. I felt right. You make me feel whole. That's why this is so hard. It's cause I feel like half of me is missing. 

Being even more separated from you would only make that worse. And here's the thing about me going to school with you next year. I'm so much stronger when I'm with you. I'm whole and I'm myself and I can do absolutely anything. I don't necessarily feel that way when we're apart though. Things are more difficult for me. It's harder to find the drive that I know I have in me. I know that I would flourish at SOU just by being nearer to you. Even if we have problems with our relationship. 

There are a lot of way that I've found to deal with all of this. The world I mean. Being with you is one. It's the one I want. It's the only one I want. It's the one I choose. And so I do need you. But there's no pressure there. I can't live the way that I'm currently living without you. I wouldn't be the same me. But some other Joey Carlson would make things work and hopefully find a way to be happy. But it wouldn't be the same happy. It wouldn't be the happiest I could be. Which is who I am with you. I like that. I like who I am with you way more than any other version of me. I've even talked to all the other versions of me and it's pretty unanimous that we all like the version of me best with I'm with you. And that version does need you. 

I wouldn't be going to SOU for you. I wouldn't be going there for us. I'd be going there for me. Going there would be me taking advantage of all that I have. There are hundreds of perfect schools out there. SOU is one of them for me. Not because you go there. Just because of the school itself, meaning the programs, the people, the campus, and the location. I did look into SOU further because of you but I went into my research with a clear head thinking only of the school itself and not of you and I was so surprised by how much I wanted what I found. It's not just what my heart is telling me to do. It's what my gut tells me to do. And it's what my mind tells me to do. It is the right choice, and I am certain of this. That doesn't mean that I won't still keep an open mind though and listen and watch. I always listen. I'll keep paying attention to everything around me and the people I hold dearest. Although I have to make the final decision, I am not the only one with say. And so I'll keep listening. And I won't make any decision until it is unanimous.

It's been 40 days since I last held you in my arms. 40 days have already gone by. I know that this distance is hard. This is so hard. But it's okay because time doesn't really exist anyways. So waiting for you is easy. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten to live while waiting. I love you with all of myself. Zoë you've shown me all of the parts of you that you don't love. And let me tell you that I have loved every part that I've seen. If you give me all of you I will accept it and I will love you and I will not let go. You will never be able to ask too much of me. Sometimes love will conquer all and sometimes love brings nothing but pain. And I say bring both and I will greet them with open arms. This is hard. This is so so incredibly hard. And It's exactly what I want. Because it's you. And it's me. It's us. And we can to anything together. So I say bring it on.