Some encouraging words along with some scrambled up thoughts

It's been exactly 1 month now. The days are starting to blur together here. Time is speeding up as it has before. That's never happened with you though. I remember an incredibly large amount of specific moments with you. Because they're all so important and significant. And they all last forever. Time stops with you. 

This is also an important day because you start class! That's so exciting. We're both really eager to learn which is great in my opinion. We also learn from each other a lot I think. In these next few days or weeks you're going to be very busy and adjusting and if you need anything at all I'm here. I'm also here if you don't need anything but that's besides the point. I understand that you're super busy right now and that's absolutely okay. I absolutely treasure all that you do for me and it's most certainly enough. I love that you make time to FaceTime me and that you continue to make an effort and it seems like you'll never stop making an effort which is so meaningful to me. I also love that you've been saying my name to me a lot. It makes me happy. And I do like your new friends! They all seem like great people and that's wonderful that you've found that! I love you with all of my heart. I'm so proud of what you've done and I'm so excited to see what you do.

I've gotta say Zoë, what we have is absolutely the most important thing that has ever been. And I will fight with my all to make sure that we're together forever. Because that is what is supposed to be. And so that's what will be okay. I love you and I give you absolutely all of me. I don't expect anything in return, but I know it is returned. I know that you give me all of you. And I will take it all. You're safe and it's okay. I want it all. Thank you so much for all that you have given me. I will continue to give you all of me and you can continue to give me all of you if you wish to. You never have to worry about being overbearing or a burden or anything even remotely close to that because you have never, not once, even come close. You're the most important thing in the entire world. 

Hello Zoë!!!

You leave soon! That's so exciting! I'm very excited for you. You're gonna do great things. I'm honestly so proud to call you my girlfriend. You truly are an incredible human. You're so kind and caring and so creative. All you want to do is help others and create things. You don't just make my world a much better place, although you very much do, you make the entire world a better place. And you will continue to do so. I'm so excited for you to start this adventure. You're going to have an absolute wonderful adventure and although I wish I was there with you for every moment, it will be okay because we'll have a lifetime to share the memories with each other as well as creating so many more. I'm also always here even right now if I'm far away. I will always listen to anything you have to say, even if you don't need someone. I'm here. 

I don't know if your scared or not. I was pretty scared about leaving. But it's not like you're not leaving everything behind. Not even close. Not much lasts forever but there are some things that do: you and me for example. And I know that you love your friends a whole lot and I don't think that that love is going anywhere. Your surroundings may change with them but the connections that you have will not. And I will always be here no matter what. Not just when you need me either. I’ll be here when you don’t need me and just want me. I’ll be here waiting for if you do need me. I’ll always be here. So don't be scared. You're going to do great things. Be excited. Get that wild look in your eye and go forward. And I'll be there too. I'll always be there. So don't be scared if you are. Everything will be. And that's okay. 

Hey I know that you were worried about someone getting between us (on either end). I don't know if you're still worried but I'm here and I have a few things to say about it. The temptation doesn't even exist. Or whatever you want to call it. Maybe not temptation. Anyways, it doesn't even exist, it doesn't even come close to existing. There's honest to god no way that someone could get between us. There's nobody out there in the entire world for me except you. You seriously don't ever have to worry about me hooking up with anyone here. That's just not me in so many ways. First and foremost because of you; I would never do that to you and I would never want to because there's no one like you and you're perfect for me and you're the only one for me. Another reason is that I don't usually like hooking up with people at all. You're clearly the exception to that. It just doesn't appeal to me otherwise. 

Listen, I've been meeting a lot of people and always the conversation strays towards you for me. Always. Because you're always on my mind. So that's where I end up going. Not only does the temptation not exist on our end, but once I've told someone about us and about our story it's as if they understand how important it is subconsciously and they lose any interest. At least, that's what I've experienced. Boys are much less empathetic usually. But people just seem to understand in the back of their mind that what we have is the most important thing that there ever was. Because it is.

You’re going to have such an incredible adventure Zoë. You’re going to learn so much and create so much and I am so excited for that. Hahaha I’m excited for it. You should be as well. You are so quick to adapt and you adapt so well. I know that you will thrive during this experience. There’s no need to be scared. People always say that life happens to you and it’s out of your control. But I don’t think that that’s the case here. You are in control Zoë. You. I’m so excited to see what you accomplish with you artwork Zoë. Unbelievably excited. I absolutely love experiencing things that you create. It’s all going to be okay. And we will absolutely be okay. And so I’ll take my leave by reminding you of quite possibly the most important aspect of my existence. I love you Zoë Hughes. I love you I love you I love you. I love you forever. I love you far beyond the stars and near beyond the moon. I love you infinitely. I love you madly. I love you more than anything has ever been loved. Nothing will ever stop me from loving you. And I’m so happy that I do. And I’m so happy that I get to share the love that I have for you with you. And I will continue sharing it with you as much as I possibly can. It's going to be okay :)

Forever

I could lay on your lap and listen to you read aloud forever. 

I could really just listen to you talk forever 

I could kiss you forever too 

I could definitely look at you forever

I could wake up and see you laying next to me forever 

I could stay in bed with you lazily all day forever 

I could hug you forever 

I could sleep with you forever 

I could stare into your eyes forever 

I could stare at you forever 

I could touch your butt forever

I could rub your back forever

I could trace my hands along the curve of your back forever 

I could make love with you forever 

I could have sex with you forever 

I could fuck you forever 

I could really just touch you forever

I could sit there and let you touch me forever 

I could let you call me daddy forever 

I could scream at you after you pour water all over me forever 

I could argue with you forever

I could laugh with you forever

I could smile at you forever 

I could smile with you forever 

I could have an adventure jar with you forever

I could cry with you forever 

I could tell you I'm not mad forever 

I could explain myself and make up for being stupid forever 

I could be smart too forever though 

I could be a damn buffoon in public forever 

I could embarrass you forever 

I could let you embarrass me forever 

I could let you cheer me up forever 

I could be happy with you forever 

I could try to cheer you up forever 

I could drive with you forever 

I could eat your cooking forever 

I could go run errands with you forever 

I could go out to dinner with you forever 

I could go to the movies with you forever 

I could play music for you forever 

I could listen to music with you forever

I could watch you make art forever 

I could look at your art forever 

I could look at art with you forever 

I could dance with you forever 

I could watch you dance forever 

I could be weird with you forever 

I could watch you be weird forever 

I could have you watch me be weird forever

I could go on dates with you forever 

I could hold you forever 

I could let you cry forever

I could comfort you forever 

I could let you comfort me forever 

I could cry in your arms forever 

I could let you stare at me while pretending to not notice it forever

I could stare at you without you noticing (although it might be a similar situation to the one above) forever

I could brush my teeth with you forever 

I could buy you things forever 

I could eat cinnamon rolls with you forever 

I could go camping with you forever 

I could eat avocado with you forever 

I could get you presents for no reason forever

I could receive random gifts from you forever

I could go to Garibaldi Days each year forever

I could watch you in a banana suit forever 

I could watch you dance and show me how your "lip gloss is poppin" as they say forever

I could hammock with you forever

I could watch fireworks forever 

I could lie to people with you forever 

I could walk into a house and see you there waiting for me forever 

I could let you into a house forever 

I could keep that house key of yours forever 

I could compliment you forever 

I could have you ridicule me forever

I could have you compliment me forever 

I could tell you how hot you are forever 

I could have you tell me how hot I am forever 

I could be hot for you forever 

I could have you be hot for me forever 

I could project my insecurities on you forever 

I could switch phone cases with you forever

I could hold hands with you forever 

I could accidentally twin with you forever 

I could watch you unlock a locker forever

I could hang in party city with you forever 

I could hang in office max with you forever 

I could go watch plays with you forever 

I could make fun of people with you forever

I could goof off with you in public forever 

I could DD you forever 

I could help you when you throw up forever 

I could go to the doctors office with you forever

I could watch tv with you forever 

I could go on hikes with you forever 

I could have picnics with you forever

I could go to Hendricks with you forever

I could hide around the corner to scare you forever 

I could protect you from monsters forever 

I could look at the stars with you forever 

I could eat desert with you forever 

I could learn with you forever 

I could learn from you forever 

I could let you teach me things forever 

I could teach you things forever 

I could help you with absolutely anything forever 

I could ask for your help forever 

I could depend on you forever 

I could have you depend on me forever 

I could post on this blog forever

I could stay up with you if you can't sleep forever 

I could ask you to stay up with me forever 

I could tell you to breathe forever

I could count on you telling me to breathe forever 

I could tell you anything forever 

I could tell you everything forever 

I could listen to anything forever 

I could listen to everything forever 

I could tell you I miss you if we're apart no matter how long it's been forever

I could hear you tell me how you miss me when we're apart no matter how long it's been forever 

I could watch jazz with you forever 

I could love dogs with you forever 

I could love cats with you forever 

I could pretend to be a dog for you forever (I'm not actually pretending)

I could smell you forever 

I could post about you on social media forever 

I could see you posting about me on social media forever 

I could get excited by you forever

I could be surprised by you forever 

I could look at flowers with you forever 

I could expand this list with you forever 

I could love you forever. 

I could do of have all of those things forever. In fact, I want to. So I will. 

For you

       I know going away is selfish. I know that starting all of this again last winter was selfish. But also it's not. Because it's all for you. I'm here in France for you. Well, us. I'm here for us. For our future together that I know we can have. I want it so badly. More than anything in the whole world. I know that me leaving doesn't seem like it's for us but I assure you that it is. I know that we can make this work long distance. And it's only for small chunks. I still get to see you. And next year I'll be a hell of a lot closer and it will be easier. I'm here for our future. I know it's hard right now but it will pay off. I keep saying that but it's because it's an important thing for us to keep in mind. I'm here to work hard so we can have a good easy life together without worries. That's all I want. That's all I want in the whole world. I'm not sure if that makes a whole lot of sense, it's sort of a giant leap between points. But there is a plan. We're not leaping into the dark. I mean even if it was a leap into the dark I would take it if it meant that I could have a chance for a life with you. This whole thing seems unfair right now. But it's not actually unfair. Four years apart in exchange for a lifetime of waking up with you seems like the deal of the century to me. I would actually pay anything to wake up next to you for the rest of my life and walk away knowing that I got the better end of the deal. So it will do more than even out. We have the good end of the deal here. And who knows if it will even be four years. It could be shorter. And it's not even four years as a whole. Its split up. But we have a plan. It's not like we're fighting a never ending battle. It's just these four years where were physically apart, but you're still here with me. You're still here to motivate me and comfort me. And I'm still here for you. I'll always be here for you. And you still make everything important. We can do it!! People and do this all the time and if anyone can do this we can. It's us. It's always been us and  it's you and me forever. I just know it. Even when I worry I still know that it's you and me forever. Sometimes it's hard to see how we could know if this is forever, but we always manage to remind each other of how if one of us forgets. And so I'll keep reminding you as much as I can. Through texts, through posts, through letters, through anything that I can. I'll do anything for you. And anything for us. Because those two things right there, those two things are the most important things in the whole wide world. 

Photo album

Hey remember that photo album I put together for you. I made it so that it would be absolutely impossible to forget. I have most of the photos with me here so it's impossible for me too. I look at them quite often actually. It helps a ton. It just reminds me of why it's so worth it to wait. And why it was so so worth it to get back together even though we knew this would happen. I know that this is so incredibly hard and it hurts so much. But you still make me wildly more happy than anything else. And you still make everything just as important. I don't think there's anything on this world that would make you not worth it. Because you're everything. You're absolutely everything. So if you ever need reminding of what we're waiting for, it does the trick. Well it does for me anyways. Another thing about the album; there's a whole lot of empty spaces. They're there for a reason. They're there for us to fill. With all of the moments that we capture in the future. Great moments. So I looked at all of those empty spaces and it made me so happy and so excited. I'm so excited for our future Zoë because I know deep down that it will in fact be our future. And that's all I need. 

Remember when coop left and his relationship ended very sadly because they didn't get to spend their lives together? This isn't like that

  I think we've come to the conclusion that we are nothing like interstellar. I know that I'm gone right now and it sucks but it's not forever. Nothing is forever except for one thing: you and me. It's going to be okay. I know I keep saying this but it's because it's true. I believe it with all of my heart and mind. I believe in us. I really do. Because I saw indisputable evidence in the winter when we started talking again and it was as if a dam broke and all of these pooled up emotions came pouring out and rushed into the sea. Our sea.

          I've actually always felt like we have this sea not between us but connecting us. And it's constantly changing and moving but it's the same sea and it could never dry up. Our love could never dry up. Damming it up made everything seem less important. But now its free to roll and churn peacefully, never ending. And now everything is important. Because of you. 

          Back to interstellar! What a great movie. I'm just gone for a little over 3 more months. Not our lifetime. That's the point. I'm here so that I can spend the rest of my life with you. Relativity is certainly real, but it has no effect on us. We'll be together again real soon. I can't wait. But I of course will. I love you with all of myself. It's going to be okay. 

Not just because you asked

       I posted a lot just now. But not because you asked me to. I've had all of these thoughts and they've been piling up in my mind but I haven't written any of them out. It because I like to either say them to your face or type them out when I'm alone because... Well... Usually I cry. And usually the thoughts that I type out come in flashes of sorts at the most random times and I just hold onto them until I can get alone to work them out and write them down. And I end up crying cause I'm so full of emotion. That's what you do, you fill me with so much love. And so I've found it difficult to write. But what you said to me made me realize that Im being stubborn and pretty stupid and need to adapt and keep writing them out. And I'm sorry that it took what it did to make me realize this. And I'm sorry that I haven't been doing more to make this work. I will do more. I'll do anything to make it work. 
         I've written you a series of short posts that I had previously thought of but hadn't written out. Here they are. 

Peanut butter on a rice cake?

This post is different. Not because of the content, not because of the way that it is written, but because of the mindset in which it is being written in. Lately, I've developed a constant state of dismay. Like the perfect globe I have created around myself is breaking and spilling everywhere. It is, the world I'm living is is being destroyed. It's being completely flipped around and shaken, and I know I keep saying this, but I finally know it's going to be okay.

You're asking yourself how I know. I have an answer. You see, every single person is different which means that every pair of people will have a unique reflationship. Simple. I'm imperfect, my flaws are undeniable and some are even unfixable. You're like that too, but here's the catch. What if you find someone who's imperfections match up with yours, and even them out? Suddenly your rocky surface feels smooth, the uncharted territory surrounding you seems safe and ready to explore. That's you. That's how you have changed me. You haven't fixed me, hell I don't even want to be fixed, but you've filled in the parts of me that needed filling in. I can only hope I've done the same for you. 

So thank you, for helping me realize what I can be and helping me be the person I want to be. Joey I love you, and I love that you make me feel perfect when I'm with you. And I hope with everything I have that I make you feel at least a little perfect too. 

Metro Station Thoughts

          I'm sitting in a metro stop at 1:00 in the morning right about now. Listening to jazz of course. I know that studying abroad is supposed to be a life changing experience and everything, but I don't think it's going to change who I am really. Because personally, there's not a whole lot of external things out there that really directly change me I guess. You did. You still do. In a good way. I'm not saying that I change who I am because of you. I'm saying that what I've experienced with who is a very large part of what defines me. I would say that it's not where I am that matters to me, but who I'm with. Except that's not specific enough. Because it's you and only you. You're all that I want. You're everything. 

          Our relationship has gone so much deeper than I ever though possible. And it's very frightening. It's exciting though as well. But frightening. I have you though. As long as I have you I won't be scared of how deep in we are. And I don't ever intend to let go of you. I will never let go of you. 

          Even though I'm thousands of miles away in this metro stop waiting for it to come, we're together. I will always carry you with me. Everywhere I go. And it gives me energy. It gives me strength. I want to be strong for you. So I will be. 

          I know that you're here with me, but I miss touching you. And talking with you. And kissing you. And just about everything you could imagine that we do. I miss you touching me. I miss us touching. Which has never happened to me before. I've never had such a strong yearning to touch and be touched by another. But something about it between you and me just feels so incredibly right. 

           I know what that something is that makes it feel so right when we touch. You know it too. It's love. I love you. I love you with every fiber of my being and every ounce of my soul. I love you. 

            It's a shame about that word "love". It's so complex that nobody really understands it is what they say about it. So it's lost most of its meaning in translation. And it would feel like a complete understatement when I tell you that I love you except for the fact that I do understand it. It's you. Love is Zoë Mae Hughes.

           My metro is arriving. So I'll leave my stream of thoughts there. That was just a little piece of how and why I know that it will be okay. Meaning how I know that we will be together. 

I'm sorry

I'm not busy how you are, so I have a lot of time to think about things. And a hell of a lot of time to worry about things. I know that you tell me that I won't hold you back, but I'm always going to worry that I will.

Anyway, here's a list of things I miss about us. I'm sorry if I'm smothering you.

1. I'm me with you, and I have been since 8th grade.
2. You've seen me at my worst and you still loved me.
3. When I got sad at night you would tell me everything was okay.
4. We laugh so hard when we are together, even if it's about something really dumb.
5. The movies we watch don't require our full attention, so we can talk through them if we want.
6. Sometimes we just don't stop talking. Even you, who doesn't really talk that much.
7. I love the way that you look at me when you think I won't notice. It makes me feel so special.
8. I miss cooking for you, because you always seemed content to just watch and keep me company.
9. You motivate me. You make me want to do great things.
10. You really make me feel pretty, especially when you can't keep your hands off me.
11. Sex is a big deal to me, but you continue to make me feel so safe that I am so comfortable being intimate with you and I love it.
12. I miss the moment when I saw your prom photo and it had the cutest caption in the world.
13. I miss how my head rests on your chest when I hug you.
14. I really really miss hearing my dogs yelp in excitement and knowing it's you at the door.
15. And listening to you sing along with my stupid pop songs with me in the car.
16. You think I'm smart, even though I'm really not extraordinarily intelligent.
17. You ask me if I've eaten.
18. I miss when you would compliment me but it would come off really awkwardly which made it even more genuine.
19. I miss kissing you, and feeling the stars being created between us.
20. I miss holding hands with you, and I really hate holding hands with most people.
21. I miss that you've never flinched away from me while I touch you.
22. I miss waking up to you and seeing you. I love that you usually wake up before me, and let me keep sleeping.
23. I miss staying in bed with you for wayyy too long because it seemed like nothing else in the world mattered while we stayed there.
24. I kinda miss the way you would sigh with relief when you touched my butt. Even though that doesn't seem like something someone would miss.
25. I miss simply being with you.

Joey I am so so sorry that I am so torn up about you being away. I'm trying really hard to be happy for you, but I feel so lonely without you. I am so unbelievably proud of everything you've accomplished. You deserve to be in Paris, you're unbelievably amazing.

a wall pitted by a single air rifle shot

My favorite piece of art that I've ever seen was at the MoMA in New York City. I had spent nearly half of my day wandering through the whole museum, I love it there. I had seen Van Gogh and Picasso and Monet (!!!), and although I have a soft spot for impressionists, there was another piece that I liked even more. It was a plain room. It contained a few paintings that were basically just colorful squares, and an odd sculpture that looked something like a puddle of crayon wax and pieces of metal. On the far wall in large black letters it read; A wall pitted by a single air rifle shot. So I stood there, and I looked. I searched for that single pit, a small groove that would show where the wall had been hit. After several minutes I stopped obsessing long enough to read the description. Much to my dismay, I read that the script of the piece was a ruse, that there was no air soft rifle hole. There was no pit at all. For a moment, I was furious. Livid even. Why would it say there was a blemish when there wasn't?

I think about this more often than I'd like to admit. I think about what that wall was trying to say to me, what it was trying to say to everyone. I still don't know, but I don't want to know how its supposed to be interpreted. I don't want that because I know what it means to me. I searched for an imperfection on that damn wall when there wasn't one, I stood far away and I stood way too close to that stupid dumb wall, only to find out that there was no flaw in the plaster. I think I do that with a lot of things. I search and I search for flaws because I am lead to believe that they exist, but not everything is flawed.

So when my mind wanders to that wall in the New York City MoMA I smile now, because it reminds me to come back to earth and stop constantly looking for flaws. I love you, and even if you are across the world from me, there's still not pit in the wall from an air soft rifle.

Lawrence Weiner - 1969