Why this is working and why I love you: a technical essay

Lately you have been deeply questioning whether or not you and I are "working" and whether or not I "hate" or "love" you. And so here is an irrefutable proof of why I, Joey Carlson, love you, Zoë Hughes.
In order to answer such a pressing question, it is of the utmost importance to first define the key terms within the question. In this case, the key terms are of course "working", "hate", and "love". I will split this up into three sections and define each term at the beginning of each section respectively. Then in each section I will proceed to demonstrate the logical proof of why we are in fact working, why I do not hate you, and why I love you, while maintaining a valid format with sound content. However, before this I must explain how I will maintain a sound argument through a brief exploration into the concept of truth.
I would not argue that truth is relative or subjective. I would in fact argue that stating such a thing is rather foolish and lacks a certain layer of discipline. Stating that truth is relative or subjective in nature as a universal truth creates a rather large and insurmountable paradox, and of course claiming that the relativity of truth is only true to oneself is an invalid argument as it lacks the end of convincing another of itself. And so let us proceed with extreme caution in defining truth. It seems rather undeniable that truth is fundamentally malleable, and the more abstract a concept, the more malleable the truth surrounding it is. And so in argumentation one must rely heavily on the validity and soundness of an argument, that is to say, one must rely on having correct form, and coherent content. And above all, to both the arguer, and the individual, or individuals, receiving the argument, the argument must seem true, and it must feel true, and the conclusion must feel right. Because what is correct is not always what is right. What is right is what feels right. And so we begin with "working".

Term 1: "Working"
To define "working", let us look first to a complex machine, a watch persay, with all of its moving parts, some interchangeable, and some irreplaceable. In order for a watch to "work", it must not only have all of its parts in the correct places, but it must be observed and someone must read the time, lest it rots away to a meaningless existence. A watch which functions properly if it has all of its parts in the correct places, and whether or not someone is there to observe this phenomenon is irrelevant. However a functioning watch with no wearer cannot seem to work because it cannot seem to be anything other than an arrangement of materials, as it is not seen by anyone. Now compare for a moment, our relationship to said watch; it functions properly whether or not we are together for quite a while, but just as a watch without a wrist to go on cannot seem to work, we sometimes cease seeming to work while far apart from each other, and by principle, away from our relationship (to be clear for future reference, it is not our relationship that I refer to in the sense of the love we carry for each other constantly in our hearts). From time to time it doesn't seem like we are "working". That is really just a way of saying that the long distance component of our relationship is sometimes straining. And furthermore, the longer apart we spend the more frequently we seem to be not working, and the less fundamentally sound we are in the functioning of our relationship. This is because the hand which belongs to the owner of the watch must be present in order to wind it up.

Term 2: "Hate"
First and foremost I will make a claim which I am absolutely certain of: I do not, I have never, I never will hate you. Hate is a very dark word which, when taken seriously, is devastating. Hate is seen on a spectrum of emotions one can have towards an individual as the lowest, the deepest, the darkest, and the worst. And so I will prove to you that I cannot hate you by the comparison test. I have ventured into the darkest depths of human emotion and I have been trapped in the deepest pit of hatred and despair towards all existence. However, you pulled me out. You did not push me out, you pulled me out. And thus your existence relative to me must be greater than what hate is relative to me. That is to say, I cannot hate what has saved me from hate because what has saved me from hate must be greater than the hate it saved me from. And what saved me is you.

Term 3: "Love"
Ah love, this is of course the term I have been looking forward to. And of course it is the simplest to prove. Love within society, as used by individuals including myself has become defined so broadly that its essence, its true meaning, is lost. And until you came into my life this remained true. However on a very peculiarly average day, at a rather average park, a phenomenon occurred. You, Zoë Hughes, drastically alternated the course of the universe by completely revolutionizing my definition of love. As I said, the more abstract a concept, the more malleable its truth. And so you morphed my truth around love until it read Zoë Mae Hughes, and once it reached that exactly, something happened. A true phenomenon. My malleable truth around love was hardened into stone. And thus it has remained that way ever since, never to be morphed again, and never to be broken. And so Zoë Hughes, as the definition of love implies that I love you with my whole being, it is irrefutable, irresponsible, foolish, and ultimately a waste of time to say otherwise.

And thus it is written, and it has been proved that we are in fact working, that I do not hate you, and that I love you more than anything in the whole goddam world Zoë. And if that doesn't all feel right, then I don't know what could.

-Joey Carlson

What I miss about Zoë Hughes

I could list a million things that I miss about you Zoë Hughes, and then I could list a million more, and I wouldn't have even made a dent in the compiled list of all I miss of you. But here's 15 things that I have missed of you in just the last few hours, just to let you know:
1) I miss the way your hair feels as it runs through my fingers
2) I miss the soft feeling of your skin pressed against mine
3) I miss being able to look at your face whenever my heart desires (which is essentially all the time)
4) I miss being able to watch you dress and undress for getting ready for the day and then getting ready for bed because even though it may seem rather platonic, it still sparks an intense feeling of yearning inside me to get up and touch your body which I have been holding back but shall no longer.
5) Oh my goodness I miss the way that you smell
6) I of course miss waking up next to you, it's always just such a beautiful start to the day, seeing your face.
7) I miss the feeling of your soft lips against mine.
8) I miss the way you pick through my hair, it just makes me feel so loved by you.
9) I miss seeing that wild look in your eye when our gazes lock and there's an immediate surge of electricity in the air.
10) I miss your cooking, both the process and the product.
11) I miss your head resting on my chest.
12) I miss it when you hug me with everything you've got and you hold on so tight that a hundred body-builders couldn't pull you off.
13) I miss the sound of your voice singing along to the music playing while I drive.
14) I miss the sensation that runs throughout my entire body when you gently stroke my arm
15) I miss your smile. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. It makes me feel safe, and warm, and love, and home.
Yes the list goes on and on for pages and pages, but I will stop here for time's sake. However there is one last thing I miss that I would like to share. I miss being able to know things about you in real time Zoë. I miss being with you consistently that is. Being able to see you every day is satisfaction enough for me in life. I miss it so badly it hurts. I miss you Zoë. All of you. Yes I miss that infinite list of little things about you tremendously, but more than anything, I miss you.
-Joey Carlson

Both quiet and loud

Dearest Zoë,
 Lately it seems as though you do not fully believe in my love for you. You doubt it from time to time. And I must admit that I am partially at fault for this. For you see, lately, I have been loving you oh so quietly. And sometimes, that is difficult to notice, but I assure you the love I have for you is as present as ever. I've loved you quietly while packing your bags for you simply because you're tired and would rather rest. I've loved you quietly by emptying the drain guard in your kitchen sink with a smile and by looking at you and softly saying that you'll never have to do this ever in your life, because I'll be there to do it for you. I've loved you quietly while driving you home a very long way and looking at you for as long as possible without putting us in danger while you slept. I've loved you quietly in the morning just looking at you rest. I've loved you quietly in gentle squeezes of the hand, soft kisses, loving hugs, sweet texts, and longing gazes. Yes I've loved you quietly for quite some time now. But the time has come to love you loudly once again. Yes I will quite literally love you loudly, for all to see. Because I am so proud that I am able to love you, Zoë Hughes, the girl who is so much more than words could describe. There is no stopping it now, I will shout it from the rooftops, social media won't know what hit it! In fact I will love you so loudly that no one will ever be able to deny it. Perhaps I will embarrass you at times, that's okay though, being embarrassed by how much love is present is a wonderful feeling. And so prepare yourself Zoë Hughes, for some loud lovin coming your way.
-Joey Carlson

So you want some romance

So I heard that you want more romance in our relationship. Well, you've certainly come to the right place. Your boyfriend happens to be an infinite font of eloquent romance which can come out in bold moves or subtle. Like this post on this blog that I'm not going to tell you about, instead I'm just going to leave it here for you to find someday, hopefully sooner rather than later. In the meantime, let me love you tenderly, more tenderly than ever before. Let me take you into a field and let us lay on a blanket gazing at the stars, and although gazing at the night sky fills me with wonder, it is nothing compared to the wonder and awe that strikes me when I look at you. Let us have dinner in the flickering candle light, where it is dark enough to share secrets as our eyes lock and we don't say a word. Although I cherish our time together doing nothing, just sitting around watching the world go by with my best friend, it is time for us to start doing something once again. It is time for us to share our bodies wholly in the most serious way possible. So let us gaze at stars. Let us make love in a moonlit pool. And let me show you all the wonder I have seen, because I assure you that watching you, the greatest wonder of them all, react, will be far greater than anything I have ever seen. I certainly hope your ready for the onslaught of romance that will arrive shortly, but I don't think you possibly could be.

-Joey

our very first kiss

You know I've never been able to put into words the feeling that I experienced when we had our first kiss. But I think I may be able to now, to an extent at least. I've been talking to you about my thoughts on dimensionality lately. How it's the reason for our absurd condition as humans, how it's the cause for all existential anguish, and how it can be beaten. You see I think that what I experienced during our first kiss was more than a feeling, both physical and emotional. It was something inexplicable by any means. Because all of our means for explaining are dimensional, and in that moment, we broke free of our dimensionality. Because it was more than just pressing lips together. Because it was more than a chemical reaction in our brains. Because it was more than this earth. It certainly stopped the world, but it did so by breaking free from it entirely.

-Joey Carlson

Going forwards

We could delve into all of the hurt we have caused each other and we could get angry and point fingers and blame but I'm afraid that would only succeed at furthering the pain. Going forward I think that we should take our time and advance with caution and wisdom. I have learned my lessons just as you have learned yours. And I truly do believe that we are both very quick learners. I do not wish to ever hurt you again like this, and so I won't. I will be extremely careful and observant and I will make certain that I stay true to you in ever manner of speaking and I believe that you will do the same. You have seen my most evil parts and my most good parts and you've seen the parts that are beyond those words. And so I am yours to judge not in my worth alone, only I can judge that, but in my worth for you. It is up to you to decide now whether or not this is what you want. Because we both know what this is. This is real, and raw, and important, and dangerous, but oh so wonderful. It can be wonderful anyways, so long as we proceed with caution like we have planned to. I have made my choice abundantly clear. I choose you. You, Zoë Hughes. The only girl I can see. You are so beautiful, and so kind at your core, and you have so much love inside of you. And you have a dark side as well, but compared to the goodness in you, the bad seems to disappear. I do truly think you're perfect Zoë. I know that you can't see it, but I do. I look at all of you and it's perfect. That's one of the only words I can think of to describe it. I know that you will make the right choice for you, and that is all I want. Because you absolutely deserve what's best for you. And I want you to want that more than anything else. And of course I'll wait for you to decide and hope that it is me. I love you endlessly. Truly endlessly. It breaks free of all there is and achieves whatever the word "everything" attempts to describe. I will always regret all of the times I have hurt you so goddam much. If you let me, I will show you that I am better than all of that. So much better. I am the best me when I'm with you and we're happy. And I want to continue to be that for as much of the rest of my life as possible. I hope that you choose me, I hope to god I'm what you want. But I want you to choose what you want no matter what. And just so you know, no matter what, it will be okay. 

So you finally added me to the blog

I miss posting like this quite a bit. So I've decided to start doing it if that's okay. Posts on this have really always meant so so so much to me. I don't know why, I guess it just makes me feels special and meaningful. I finally added my email to be able to edit the blog so that I could stop logging into your account to do it. Even though now when this blog becomes famous because of how adorable we are it will look like you posted the first 30 posts.

Zoë I am literally always thinking about you. As cliché as it sounds, you're the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. Really always. And quite often I dream about you. Whenever I remember my dreams anyways, you're in them. Sometimes I just sit and remember specific moments and I close my eyes and immerse myself in them. Like how I used to stay up with you in your bed until you fell asleep, and then I would tuck you in and kiss you goodnight and I would be leaving your room and you would softly tell me you love me, and I would say it back and say I'll see you tomorrow. Then I would head home and I would always have such a stupid smile on my face the whole way.

I'll be honest with you, I have asked myself the question of whether or not this is what I want, and I have questioned whether or not something could make me happier. And I've always come to the same answer: it's you and it always will be. There is no one I'd rather be with, and no one that could make me happier. There's no other relationship that could be more meaningful.

Listen I know things are hard right now for us. But it is going to be okay. I just know it. Please don't give up on us Zoë. I really do think that it's worth it. For both of us. I can't imagine that it's easy to love me. In fact I know it's not. But I know that it's not because it's hard to have the raw feelings, it's just about the conditions. But we can change the conditions Zoë, we can be better for each other and thus so much better for ourselves. And we can be better for ourselves and thus better for each other.

I love you with everything I've got. Really and truly. And I will never stop loving you.

-Joey Carlson