It's easy to have doubt. To feel like you're doing all this work for nothing. To feel powerless and just plain sad. But it's easier to feel hopeful. I just think of literally any given moment of our relationship and I think about how I felt. Every moment was so full of emotion and no matter if the emotions were negative or positive I felt whole. I felt right. You make me feel whole. That's why this is so hard. It's cause I feel like half of me is missing.
Being even more separated from you would only make that worse. And here's the thing about me going to school with you next year. I'm so much stronger when I'm with you. I'm whole and I'm myself and I can do absolutely anything. I don't necessarily feel that way when we're apart though. Things are more difficult for me. It's harder to find the drive that I know I have in me. I know that I would flourish at SOU just by being nearer to you. Even if we have problems with our relationship.
There are a lot of way that I've found to deal with all of this. The world I mean. Being with you is one. It's the one I want. It's the only one I want. It's the one I choose. And so I do need you. But there's no pressure there. I can't live the way that I'm currently living without you. I wouldn't be the same me. But some other Joey Carlson would make things work and hopefully find a way to be happy. But it wouldn't be the same happy. It wouldn't be the happiest I could be. Which is who I am with you. I like that. I like who I am with you way more than any other version of me. I've even talked to all the other versions of me and it's pretty unanimous that we all like the version of me best with I'm with you. And that version does need you.
I wouldn't be going to SOU for you. I wouldn't be going there for us. I'd be going there for me. Going there would be me taking advantage of all that I have. There are hundreds of perfect schools out there. SOU is one of them for me. Not because you go there. Just because of the school itself, meaning the programs, the people, the campus, and the location. I did look into SOU further because of you but I went into my research with a clear head thinking only of the school itself and not of you and I was so surprised by how much I wanted what I found. It's not just what my heart is telling me to do. It's what my gut tells me to do. And it's what my mind tells me to do. It is the right choice, and I am certain of this. That doesn't mean that I won't still keep an open mind though and listen and watch. I always listen. I'll keep paying attention to everything around me and the people I hold dearest. Although I have to make the final decision, I am not the only one with say. And so I'll keep listening. And I won't make any decision until it is unanimous.
It's been 40 days since I last held you in my arms. 40 days have already gone by. I know that this distance is hard. This is so hard. But it's okay because time doesn't really exist anyways. So waiting for you is easy. And don't worry, I haven't forgotten to live while waiting. I love you with all of myself. Zoë you've shown me all of the parts of you that you don't love. And let me tell you that I have loved every part that I've seen. If you give me all of you I will accept it and I will love you and I will not let go. You will never be able to ask too much of me. Sometimes love will conquer all and sometimes love brings nothing but pain. And I say bring both and I will greet them with open arms. This is hard. This is so so incredibly hard. And It's exactly what I want. Because it's you. And it's me. It's us. And we can to anything together. So I say bring it on.
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